I think I'm having one. I hope it isn't a mid life crisis because I really want to live past 66. I'm not buying a sports car or running off with a younger man (although Taylor may not think that is a bad idea after some of our heart to heart conversations lately).
It began in January on a car ride to pick up my kids from my parents all by myself. I do some deep thinking on these trips. My baby is starting kindergarten in the fall and I'm struggling with what's next for me. I love the simplicity (this is my new favorite word this year) of our life these days - getting to work part time but having enough time to be with my kids and get all the household stuff taken care of. I'm a walking paradox though. As I want to simplify in most areas there are still some things I really want. I REALLY want to go to South Africa for the next BWA in 2015. I REALLY want to take my kids - not just there but everywhere. I REALLY want to go visit our friends in all their ministries around the world - Lebanon, Ethiopia, China. And I REALLY want to support them all financially. You see a problem here?
So I spent the car ride wondering once again how we got here to ministering in middle class America and where I fit into this ministry. I'm 95% convinced we're where we're supposed to be, Taylor's probably 99% sure we're being obedient, and our family at Southland Baptist has told me they're 100% sure so my next question is what is my job here in San Angelo, TX.
Full time teaching is a big possibility - what better ministry is there if I can maintain my sanity, which is questionable. Another big possibility is keeping everything just as is. I'm content and happy, but bye-bye travels. Another big possibility is that God will bring something else to my attention he wants me to do. I decided to wait and trust.
Enter the evils of my reading addiction. It began with Organized Simplicity, which resulted in me purging my house of all those knick knacks I don't love and those 3 bundt pans and 5 loaf pans I haven't used in 12 years of marriage, among other things. It also had me looking around our little home (which we were thinking of upgrading as soon as I got that full time teaching job) and reworking areas that weren't working for us. Amazing! It also got me questioning and rethinking our social schedule and committments. I'm making more conscious decisions about how we spend our time. Read the book!
Then a lovely church member fed my addiction by giving me the book 7 by Jen Hatmaker. I can't even summarize my thoughts on this book because I'm still working through them. I'm sure I'll have more to say later. It's all about reducing, simplifying, and being smart consumers for the benefit of others, (I know, Mom, you already hated my Better World Shopper book and now I'm even worse). If you are going to read one of these books read 7, unless you don't want how you're living to be challenged, then don't. It will make you laugh, too.
So I'm living with this tension of what my life should look like and I don't know what's next. I'm waiting and trying to make small changes. At least if you hear me yelling at my Mom that she bought the kids clothes made by slave labor, or you see me standing in the grocery store trying to decide whether to buy that expensive organic food or feed my kids the cheap processed junk so I can stay in my grocery budget, you'll know why. Blame it on my mid-mid life crisis!