Thursday, July 22, 2010
I got a phone call today that made me smile. About once a year my friend, Kim's mom calls me to give me updates on the family. Kim has been gone for 5 years now and I'm sure her kids would no longer even know me, but they are all still so close to my heart. I love hearing these updates, but they always leave me feeling a little unsettled. For some reason I always hope to hear that life is great, the kids are flourishing with no problems, and all is well. While the kids are doing fine and life is going on, things will never be great. There is a mom who will grieve for her lost daughter every day for the rest of her life. There is a teenage girl and a teenage boy trying to grow up without the guidance of a mom. And there is their dad who has to make decisions and raise these kids on his own. Nothing is right with this picture, and it never will be. That is not to say there won't be continued healing and lives lived well, but something, someone will always be missing. I cry as I write this because it really frustrates me, this imperfection we live in. I don't know why I'm always surprised when life isn't complete, when I get that feeling deep down that something is wrong or missing. Since I was a little girl I have longed for perfection in the world, in myself, in others. Of course I am continually frustrated and have learned that is not something I can create. So why do I keep longing and expecting? Could there be something deep down in us that knows there is supposed to be more than this? There is, I know, and there will be, but now we're stuck here living in this imperfection where mommies can die and parents must bury their children. I guess that is what hope and faith are for. So next year when I pick up the phone, I will hope all is well, but I will have faith that someday it will be.